Ahhhhhhhhhh I think I am going to strangle something/someone soon I feel so stressed and overwhelmed by my life right know I am not enjoying anything about it sure I will have a brief moment when the kids (a kid at a time usually) make me smile but it lasts about 30 seconds and then the screaming, pissing, spilling and driving starts all over again.

I found this in my drafts today and was horrified to find that this is still how I feel after writting it in October 2010 minus the dog.  Harlow bit and scared Jurnee for life all because Jurnee thought she would look beautiful with a tiara on her head.  We found her new owners that day, a nice couple without children.  I thought Goldens were the #1 family dog.

The last post on here is from August when it was still summer, oh wonderful summer.  It is now winter where did the beautiful autumn go. Time flies, a cliché yes but ridiculously correct. We have had very mild temperatures here over the last month so what snow we had is now ice. My two older daughters took downhill skiing lessons a few weeks back but have been unable to go back to the hill since. While I was browsing on the computer this morning I checked the weekly weather and we are to get a big dump of snow by next weekend. Now usually I would be disturbed and upset by this but I smiled and felt excited that winter is not over yet. I have things I want to do, I want to snowshoe a few more times, go cross country skiing at the ski club so I can get over my fear of being less than all the decorated in their brand name gear people, (I am not a brand name girl I am sure I have mentioned this before, I pride myself on not having to keep up with the latest must haves or finding deals that allow me to stay in style but for 1/4 of the price, but for some reason this ski club makes me nervous and nobody likes feeling judged). I also want to watch my girls ski, it is so sweet how they stick together and watch out for one anther on the hill. They turn into bestfriends out there and it softens my heart. There is so much fighting at home and in the van it is loud loud loud. At the ski I can sit in the lodge watch them ski, smile and wave while I drink a tea and keep one eye on a great book.

I ask my 4 year old if she wants to hang out with me and Tony Horton while I do his Cardio X video, I tell her it will be fun, we get to kick and punch so it will be like a karate lesson. About 10 minutes into the actual work out I am hot in my long sleeve shirt (it is only the end of what is suppose to be the sunniest, warmest, most fantasic season of the year and this is how someone living in Northern BC has had to dress through out June, July and August – I cannot bring myself to call it a summer) and I ask her if she can go up and get me a tank top (spaghetti straps) like the one she is wearing, I tell her she can find them in my bedroom (located upstairs) in the bottom drawer of my dresser. She brings me a sky blue tank top (she is also wearing a blue one) with lace trim along the chest and waist because lace is pretty. Perfect I think. Pleased I didn’t have to go and get it myself.

Later that afternoon after I have sweated to the not so soothing sound of Tony trying unsuccessfully to imitate Arnold Schwarzenegger using a slow, low and I’ve had one to many shots of steroids and other drugs Austrian accent; I think about how sweet Jurnee was coming down the stairs holding an acceptable shirt, a small victory. She is getting older, wiser more understanding of consequences both good and bad hence doing me a favour no questions asked. It hits me as they get older I ask them to do more and expect more around the house and yard, but I expect them to do things for “me” too. Can you bring mommy the phone, a pop, my book I ask all this while I sit on the couch in the same spot reading and drinking endless cups of coffee. Can you get mommy a tank top while I work out… if I went and got the tank top myself that would have been a trip up and down the stairs, get up and look for the phone, run down to the basement fridge and grab a pop, get the book from my room, bring in 3 loads of groceries from the car, instead of having my 3 year old teetering on the edge of the van trying to get down while holding a case of pop (I didn’t ask her help she wanted to because her sisters all were, but I didn’t stop her because this equals one less trip for me). I want them to learn to help, I love their help but without their help I wouldn’t need to spend an hour with a man shouting P90X over and over again while reaching for the sky with his arms spread after releasing deep squat.

I am giving myself a goal. It will be to stop myself from asking the kids to bring “me” things. I am going to try this for the next week. I will still want their help around the house but not count on them to do all the little things for “me”. Starting now….

Just before I post this I have reread it trying to find errors (I am sure there are some glaring you in the face) and realise this may be similar to an older post and apparently I have been unsuccessfull in any attempts to not have someone wait on me hand and foot. Lets face it,the rich have house keepers, cooks, and other staff at their beck and call it is something most of us enjoy. Still I am forging ahead with my plan of peeling myself of the couch to grab myself… well anything I want!

Reading, Relaxing

My brother passed away 12 years ago tommorow, he was 16.   Every year I like to write something and put it in the paper. I do this for myself but also so that others don’t forget. I hope my note and public expression of love and sadness reminds old friends, extended family, ex teachers and whom ever else knew my baby brother that he was once here, he existed. I hope they remember that he was funny and kind, maybe he was their friend, ally, accomplice or even their enemy. I hope they pause for a moment and remember something long forgotten. I hope they smile at the thought of him. I hope there hearts grow heavy for a minute as they feel some sadness for him, and for his empty future. I hope that someone who has forgotten remembers. This year I missed the deadline.

Loving you and rembering always Dem

Before

Dresser I picked up for $25, I needed some more storage for my material .

After

Here it is after.  I have a few areas that need touch ups but I am thrilled with how it turned out. I got the handles on clearance and I already had the paint.

Gymnastics class ends an hour and a half before my oldest gets out from school.  What to do for that hour and a half, we decide to hit the library I grab all sorts of French stories, beginner English stories and of course some chick lit for me.  I decide even though we still have a 40 minute wait that I will go through the drive through grab a coffee and let the kids look at books in the school parking lot.  Everette inevitably falls asleep. She is holding a book up over her face her chubby little fingers just barley grasping the pages.  The kids have been sitting in the car for nearly an hour before Torrin finally makes it to the car so we can head home.

We leave the school grounds managing to escape without hitting any of the 750 children.  We see a police car up ahead sitting on the side of the road a few meters away from the four way stop.  As we approach the stop sign a car swerves toward our car and we witness  a gentleman quickly putting on his seatbelt after noticing the copper.  I laugh and so does Amayah she noticed the same thing.  We stop and go through the four way stop and are almost get home when I hear the bleep bleep of the siren and see the infamous red and blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror.  I pull over.

The girls are in the back shouting, “Why are we stopped?  Why isn’t he getting out of his car?”  I look back Everette is still asleep and now Jurnee is slumped over in her booster seat sleeping too (I think oh no she is not 40 pounds how big of a fine will I get for that?).  I ask the girls if I was speeding they don’t think so, hell I don’t think so.  After what feels like 15 minutes the officer appears at my door, I open it (my window doesn’t work, can I be fined for that?)   “How’s your day to day?” He asks.  I think how the fuck do you think it is, but with a smile I nervously joke “I don’t think it is going to well anymore.  Was I speeding?”  “No you were not speeding but you are driving without insurance.”  He informs me.  “What, no I can’t be!” I am shocked at this accusation.   I grab my license and hand it over I reach over and pop open the glove compartment (why is it called a glove compartment I have never put gloves in there only manuals and insurance. It should be called keeping your important papers ”organized” compartment.) I reach in and pull out what looks like 10 years worth of insurance papers.  I riffle through them quickly again and again no insurance for 2010-2011.  I look at the guy stunned and say, “I guess I don’t have insurance.” I hand over the previous years papers and he saunters back to his car, lights still flashing.  (This is all happening close to the school with all the moms and kids we know driving by… judging).

I see him coming back to our van and I open the door he tells me he thinks the corner we are parked on is unsafe and asks if I am comfortable backing up into the local pubs parking lot; I assure him I am capable of backing up (the distance is not even the length of my parents driveway).  Once we are settled in the parking lot (I back in to my spot just to show him I am not an idiot) he comes back over and asks if there is anyone who can come and get us and I ask if I can drive home and have him follow us. He says no he can’t because if I get in an accident it will be under his insurance (I fine with that).  I remind him that he just let me back up into the parking lot and I let him know I live only 4 houses away, (I exaggerated we are 6 houses away).  He offers to drive us home he peers into the back of the van ”4 kids eh that will be a tight squeeze.” you can tell he wants to withdrawal his offer.  I let him know it is fine we can walk.   The kids are in the back moaning awhh we don’t want to walk.

He leaves again and comes back and says “I looked up your address you are more than 4 houses away, (yeah I know that I only said 4 so you would let me drive home) I can drive you home but you have to put your baby on your lap.  Just let me clean out the back”.  He makes a gesture from his car to let me know he is ready for us. I have to wake the babies, when I wake up Jurnee and tell her we need to get into the police car she immediately asks if we are going to jail, I assure her we are not and she gets out.  I wake and unbuckle Everette out of her car seat. Fortunately there is minimal crying and place her on my left hip. I reach down and grab the dog under my other arm (I never bring the dog with me).  The girls pick up their backpacks and I pull my purse and the giant bag of library books off of the passenger side floor and we shuffle to the police car.  I tell the girls to get in and let them know that we are going on a field trip a very expensive field trip.  We all have to squeeze into the back seat.  They are all excited no seat belts, no car seats,  and there are bars on the windows. The locks have been removed and we are trapped.  Amayah is giggling as she looks at the plexi glass separating the front and back seats and says “He can’t hear us!”  he relpies, “Yes I can”.    We travel the block and a half home and I tell the girls we can’t get out we are locked in.  The officer plays along and asks them how are they going to get out?  They all look at me nervously, fear in their eyes and after a moment he opens the door.  My arms are full so I lunge myself out of the car and the girls follow sliding out one by one.  We are all standing in the driveway, I am holding the dog and the cop says you had a dog with you too?  “Yep the whole family was here for this.”  I reply.  The kids are going to have some exciting news for school.

As the girls share this with their Dad they ask “Can we tell our teachers”!

Every morning the static rules of order of our home are, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth and brush hair.  Every morning it is a fight.  During the second week of school a poster stating all morning rules was placed on wall next to the entry door, I did this because I thought I might go insane due to the lack brains in my sweet babies heads.  This poster has since become invisible I have jazzed it up once already and I guess it is time for glitter (glitter and sparkles always get a girls attention…right).  What a giant waste of time it is going over these simple rules, rules that even a 4 year old could follow but wait they can’t follow them, 8 year-olds can’t follow them.  No playing until all steps are complete.

This morning my 5 year old had been finished her breakfast for over a half an hour and was still busy playing in the living room wearing her pink poka dot princess nighty, knots littering her hair and food stuck in her teeth.  I looked at her and told her she would not be getting a treat in her lunch bag (she had a Valentine party last night and came home with a candy necklace).  She looked at me with glistening eyes and said fine I’ll pick up the pillows, (pillows on the floor from all of the playing).  I told her that is fine but she was going to be one unhappy little girl when she got to school (I have told her before that she knows the rules and is responsible enough to follow them and if she chooses to play until it is time to leave she will be wearing her pj’s to school along with her bad breathe and grimy teeth, and a rats nest of a head.)   Did I let her go to school like this?  NO (shame on me) of course not I asked her what she was wearing and that got the turtle moving.   Why oh why could I not follow through??  Other parents that is why.  What will they think ?  What will they say?  I know what I would think, ‘I wish I could just once not care and do what needed to be done.’  I swear that after only one time of sporting her nighty at school she would follow the 3 rules (I say only 3 because my babies never ever forget their breakfast they all have food on the brain from the moment they wake up until their tiny eyes flutter shut at night).

I told the baby girls that we were going shopping this morning and I did a little sing song of happiness after this declaration, even the mere thought of shopping makes me giddy!  My 4 year old was unfoutunately not as keen on the idea, she looked at me wearing her  I am older than 4 coolness look and said “Nobody cares”.  Snotty.  I told that was rude and she should not talk like that.  She apologized and told me her brain doesn’t know the right things to say.  Nice.